The Kerbs Rulebook

When we were young, one of our favourite games to play was Kerbs. It’s quite a simple game, yet it never seemed to get tiresome. All you need are two kerbs on opposite sides of the road, and a ball. Most Irish people who grew up in the 90’s seem to be familiar with this game, but I’ve no idea how far it spreads. It’s a very enjoyable game, and if you’ve never played you should watch A Dog’s Life Episode 1: Kerbs to get you in the mood! Like everything, rules will inevitably vary from place to place, so I thought it was time Fake Dog laid out a definitive set of rules. Of course, you can change them to suit yourself, but at least this way everyone is on the same page, and if there’s any disputes you can quote The Kerbs Rulebook!

The Basics
Now, like I was saying, all you need are two opposite kerbs and a ball. Ideally, you’re going to want an average-sized kerb. If it’s too big, it’ll be too easy to hit, and if it’s too small, it’ll be rather hard! So, once you’ve picked your sides, you take turns trying to hit your opponent’s kerb without leaving your own footpath. If your foot is on the road your shot won’t count. When you hit the other person’s kerb, you progress to the centre of the road, half-way between both kerbs. Once you’re here you must keep your back foot on the centre markings of the road. You can continue to hit your opponent’s kerb from here, earning 5 points for every shot. But, if you miss, you’ll have to run back to your own kerb very quickly, as your opponent can throw the ball at you, and take all of your points if he is successful! It’s a risky business, and sometimes people like to miss their last shot deliberately so they’ll have plenty of time to run back safely.

Now, you can also play Busts, or No Busts. This essentially means you have to get exactly the amount required in order to win. Eg. For a game up to 1000, you would have to get 1000 points exactly, any more and you would “go bust” and forfeit the game. It brings an element of skill and calculation to the game.

Game Play
Now, a basic throw is worth 20 points, but there’s several ways to increase this. If you throw the ball over a passing car and hit the kerb, it’s worth a whopping 200 points. This is a rare opportunity, though, and takes a bit of cheek. Over a bike is 75 points. Anything else is negotiable. If you’re playing outside a house and your opponent misses so badly that the ball lands in the garden behind you, you’ll receive double points for any successful shot you take from there.

The quickest way to win a game of Kerbs, however, is to vary your throwing style; the more difficult the shot, the more points you’ll get. Here is a definitive list of moves, all of which you can see in the first episode of A Dog’s Life. Feel free to use your own points system, but this is the one we’ve decided upon as the fairest from personal experience. Some moves are a lot harder than they look.

The Granny Throw – 10 points

It doesn’t get much easier than this.

The Basic – 20 points

Your basic Kerbs throw.

The Boatman’s Call – 30 points

A sort of downward hook.

Over the Head – 30 points

Just like a free throw.

The Bowler’s Bluff – 40 points

Like bowling for Kerbs.

The Gardener’s Delight – 40 points

Make like you’re digging up the garden, scooping the ball with your foot. All style.

The Nutcracker – 40 points

Again, a basic kick from the ground, but jazzed up with an element of danger.

Over the Back of the Head – 50 points

This one is harder than it looks.

The Niall Quinn – 50 points

Basically a header, named after the Irish football player, infamous for said move.

The Hand of God – 60 points

If your opponent throws a truly awful Kerb you can rise up and fire it back at them before it lands. A flashy one to be sure.

The Hot Potato – 60 points

The ball is passed along from player to player, like a hot potato. The last player then throws it. Another basic throw, but with a bit of showmanship. Minimum of 3 players required.

Balls-to-the-Wall – 60 points

Launch yourself off the wall, pivot, and throw.

The Leg-Up – 60 points

Hoop the ball under your leg. A hard one to keep accurate.

The Crackdown – 60 points

Punch the ball to victory.

The Hatrick – 70 points

All 3 players kick the ball at the same time.

The Backflip – 70 points

One player launches the ball up behind his back, while the other slaps it towards the kerb. Another hard one to control.

The King’s Chair – 80 points

This one looks impressive, but requires 3 players.

The Totem Pole – 80 points

Similar to the above, with one player on the other’s shoulders. Only requires 2 players. Anyone brave enough to make a 3-player Totem Pole shot must win without dispute.

The Head-to-Toe – 90 points

You’ll need a wall behind you for this one. Player 1 stands on his hands, head-to-toe with player 2. Player 3 then hits the ball from player 2’s head.

The Rings of Saturn – 100 points

Spin around 3 times, then throw the ball. Much harder than it sounds, any form of accuracy is near-impossible.

The Coast to Coast – 100 points

Bounce the ball off your kerb so that it hits the opposite kerb. Very hard to perfect.

The Aussie Whip (aka The Down Under) – 100 points

Again, looks easier than it is. It’s hard to be accurate when you’re upside down. Good to impress the ladies.

Now that you’ve read The Kerbs Rulebook, you can feel free to go off and play the most informed game of Kerbs you’ve ever played! Again, these rules are just a guideline and you should use whatever ones you find suit you best. The main thing is to just have fun. But, competitions can get quite heated, so if there’s any disputes you’ll know where to come!

We’d love to see a revival of Kerbs. It really is a great game. So, next time you’re bored, grab a friend and have a game of Kerbs. You’ll be hooked in no time. Now go spread the word! And the word is Kerbs!

— Dara

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Fake Dog Food #1: Dara's Pancakes

As you may well know, The Fake Dog Men have a fondness for food. Perhaps fondness is putting it too lightly. We love food. And so, finally, we’ve decided to put this love of ours to good use. This is the first installment of what we like to call Fake Dog Food. Paul, Gearoid and I shall share our favourite recipes in the hope that you, too, will enjoy them. Because, as we well know, you don’t even need an occassion to enjoy good food.

Now, any of our Irish fans will be familiar with pancakes presented in their traditional Irish style; thin and flat. These are quite delicious, a fact to which we can all attest, but I’ve always had a longing for those American-style pancakes we only see on TV; stacked and drizzled in maple syrup. And they’re really not very hard to make. The recipe quite similar to the Irish one, with one key difference – baking powder.

Ingredients:
2 eggs
1 and a half mugs of flour
1 mug of milk
2 – 3 teaspoons of baking powder
1 teaspoon of sugar
Pinch of salt
Butter

To serve:
Strawberries
Cherries
Maple Syrup

Makes 10 pancakes

If you’re using self-raising flour, then you can leave out the baking powder. I’ve only used a teaspoon of sugar, but American recipes call for a lot more. Others also include melted butter in the mix, but we’ll be frying them in butter, so it all depends on your personal taste, and if you’d like to see retirement age or not.

Steps:

Mix the flour, sugar and baking powder in a large bowl. Whisk the eggs, then add them and the milk to the bowl. Whisk well, until the mixture becomes nice and thick. Leave the mixture to sit for half an hour, or as long as you can, before cooking it.

Melt a knob of butter into a frying pan. Pour some of the mixture into the pan. A full ladel scoop is more than enough for one pancake. (Remember, these pancakes are smaller than Irish ones and will rise when cooked, so don’t make them too big.) You should be able to cook two at a time, depending on the size of your pan.

Cook on a medium heat for 3 to 4 minutes until they begin to bubble. Then, turn them over and cook for a further 30 seconds to a minute. They should be golden brown on each side. The pancakes are best eaten straight out of the pan, but if you’re cooking a few you can keep the rest warm in a low-heated oven.

While they’re cooking, chop the fruit into nice chunks on a chopping board and ready for serving.

Stack them high and serve with chopped fruit and maple syrup.
Don’t worry if you don’t have any maple syrup, honey works just as well.
Alternate, less healthy, servings suggestions include;
Pancakes with bacon & maple syrup
Pancakes with butter & maple syrup

However you serve them, do enjoy!

— Dara

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Let's just kill each other.

Face/ Off was my favourite film for a number of years. I still quite like it. It’s an action film, but it has a bit of cleverness to it, too. Oscar-winner, Nicolas Cage, and Oscar-nominee, John Travolta, go head to head in an explosive action picture, one of the most successful films of 1997, in fact. But, that was back when action films were the blockbusters. In more recent years we have been subjected to wizardry aplenty and gruesome horrors in their place. Only a few films have hinted at a revival of the action film as more than just a direct-to-DVD sub-genre (such as; Death Sentence and Wanted, and even these have horror and fantasy aspects, respectively). So, where’s the action?

Back in the 90’s, we could frequently look forward to an action blockbuster with a satisfying level of violence, but (bar a few exceptions) never too gruesome an entertainment – and one where the violence always felt just. Action films seemed to fizzle out towards the end of the ’90’s, just in time for the super hero and fantasy genres to pick up as a mainstream entertainment. In no time at all they seemed to take over. So, the average action fan was faced with a life-altering decision: Become a horror junkie, and bask in the wave of non-stop, Japanese remakes and gruesome torture films for an overly-violent “action” fix; or, go to the video dungeon and find the latest Steven Seagal direct-to-DVD release. Neither are very appealing to me.

Personally, I don’t like my action films overly violent. A good 18’s action film like Face/ Off is great, but I don’t need to see the inside of anybody’s head, or see someone being tortured till their face falls off, or something. That kind of thing’s not my bag. So, that rules out the excess of modern horror. And I certainly don’t want to become a direct-to-DVD junkie and suffer releases like Today You Die. I want to see an action film with good production design, proper sets, and proper actors. Like Face/ Off. It took two of the biggest actors of the decade, one an Oscar-winner, the other a two-time nominee, and put them in an action film! It has attention to detail, a clever-enough plot, and the performances are pretty good in places. Plus, it’s highly quotable and provides non-stop action. And it killed at the Box Office. Why did they stop making films like this?

I just want an action film that doesn’t look terrible, stars some respectable actors, doesn’t make me want to get sick, doesn’t feature wizardry of any sort, and that people, actual people, put some effort into. I realise that’s a lot to ask, but Nicolas Cage made Face/ Off, Con Air and The Rock in the space of two years! Of course, that was back in the 90’s and they don’t make them like that anymore. They really don’t.

— Dara

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A Day in the Life of Fake Dog*

*Artists’ impression, days may vary.

— Dara

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Abdate

I’m sure all of you are wondering how the Fake Dog ab competition is coming along (if not, get your priorities in order!). I haven’t seen Paul or Gearoid’s “abs” recently, but I’m assuming we’re all at about the same level- completely and utterly ab-less. The dealine is less than two months away (the August/ September weekend) so it’s pretty much anyone’s game at this point. I’m hearing a lot of votes for Webby’s side. That’s fine. People like an underdog. And Gearoid is very sure of himself, which in turn motivates me.

I saw some of a Strong Man competition (they all have massive kegs!) on telly today, and it got me in the mood for competition. There was a little guy in the competition from Bulgaria that was trying very hard to lift things four times his weight. I was reminded of Webby for some reason. Then, there was a Dutch man who was quite showy and stuck out his tongue cheekily when he lifted things while standing on one leg. This was all quite entertaining, but didn’t actually help him win. Not unlike Gearoid’s cockiness. And then, there was the Polish man. He just shut up and won the competition. I am that Polish man (for the purposes of this analogy). And after the competition is over, and my abs have long since vanished (they’ll disappear faster than an unattended six-pack at a house party), I will have the satisfaction of knowing I sent my fellow Fake Dogs home from Electric Picnic, in flabby, flabby shame…

JA jestem całym który jest człowiek.

— Dara

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Fake Dog Loves #3: The Sweeney

The Sweeney is a seminal 1970’s British cop show, which has had more than a slight influence on Fake Dog. Now, the reason this show is so important is because, before this, all British cop shows were quite tame and white-washed. Then, The Sweeney came along and basically said “Fuck the handbook!”. It was gritty and realistic, and its two stars Regan and Carter had a complete disregard for protocol, as long as they got the job done.

Regan and Carter are members of The Flying Squad, an elite branch of the British police force specialising in armed robbery and violent crime. The name, Wikipedia informs me, comes from cockney rhyming slang. As in “Sweeney Todd” rhymes with “Flying Squad”. A bit sill really, but it does sound cool.

The Sweeney is famous for its tyre-screeching car chases, but people seem to forget it’s also very funny. The banter between Regan and Carter is quite entertaining, and they always seem to be chatting about the case at hand over a mug of whiskey in the office, or down the pub on their lunch break. And the dialogue is highly quotable, especially the put-downs; “Do me a favour!”, “Shut it!”

It’s become part of our culture now, whether or not you realise it. It’s been parodied in everything from car ads to sitcoms. That’s why you may laugh at some of the clips, because they seem like cliches. But it’s the same with everything. Cliches have to start somewhere. So, if you do get a chance, watch it with an open mind, you shan’t regret it. By the end credits, you’ll always be left wanting more.

— Dara

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